for superior security,

keep it private!

At Butt Hole Scan Technologies, a new frontier of biometric identification is finally within reach.
stop the leaks

our system

pushing the envelope
Hand pushing button

With our patented Anal Recognition System (ARS), we scan your behind to forge ahead into whole new areas of data security.

ending embarrassing leaks
Protective briefs

Nothing is worse for your image than a public leak. We keep your information sealed tightly with our Anal Retention Database.

keeping privacy private
Peach diagram

The rectum is a concealed identifier — no more relying on risky public-facing biometrics like fingerprints and retinas.

Existing biometric security solutions are inherently flawed — they've failed to see that a better option was right behind them.

Wesley Kapow, Founder and Lead Rectal Technologist

the science

proven vulnerabilities

In a real-world example from the hit television series Billions, an unsavory character is able to lift a distinguished businessman's fingerprint, make a mold of the print, and open the man's biometric safe within seconds.

This incident clearly demonstrates the perils of relying upon publicly accessible biomarkers such as fingerprints.

Stay tuned to Billions for more cutting-edge updates on the latest advances in data security.

learn more
Billions
backed by peer review

There have understandably been questions about the validity of BHS's anal identification protocols, especially given that these systems involve incredibly sensitive and personal data streams.

But concerned scan-ees can take a deep breath and relax.

As this peer-reviewed study conducted by Stanford scientists has demonstrated, individuals may be identified by the distinctive features of their anoderm (the epithelial lining of the anal canal located inferiorly to the dentate line), confirming the reliability of our patented ARS identification technology.

learn more
Nature magazine cover

THE TEAM

Wesley
Wesley Kapow
Founder and Lead Rectal Technologist
Juliet
Juliet Kapow
Co-Founder and Chief Anal Officer
satisfied scanners

Bathroom breaks used to be a huge productivity sink at our warehouses. Now we can scan workers' anal identities and offer them a personalized countdown for when they should wrap things up. Our employees love it!

jeffrey bezos, founder and chairman of amazon

As a result of embracing this data, we've seen major increases in our ability to target ads for rectum-related products. In the past, we had to rely on monitoring users' search histories for entries like "What can I put up my butt?" BHS has changed the game.

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook

Haha, butts.

elon musk, interplanetary entrepreneur

My foundation has deployed a sophisticated network of rectal scanning stations in sub-Saharan Africa that can diagnose any medical condition in seconds! If someday the stations actually get connected to cellular data or electricity, this could have a huge impact.

bill gates, renowned philanthropist

if you GET In touch with us, we'll get in touch with you.

Location icon
Corporate Hindquarters:
0 Infinite Loop
Poopertino, CA 95014

Holy crap! No, no, no! Do NOT provide us with your personal information!

This is not a real company... this is a parody of a dystopian hellscape in which you are literally asked to bend over to appease corporate America.

Run, run while you still can! And, for the love of God, pull up your damn pants first.

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